I have been away too long!

So many things have changed in my life since I have started this blog. I lost a relationship that meant everything to me, I have experienced a move, and have had my world turned mildly upside down. Let me start at the relationship.. When I say I lost I don't mean it in the sense that you lose your keys, I mean that it died. I had been in a relationship for almost four years engaged and had a child in this relationship and was planning on spending my life with this person. They had other ideas. The relationship never started out on the right foundation but it felt right. The sex was amazing and that is a hard one to stray from.. it is harder to find then one would think. Aside there was lost of infidelity on the others part and I had then built up lots of hurt, anger, and resentment. That led to some knock down fights and in turn made others around constantly question what the two of us were doing. I don't think we really knew.

This all ended about week ago, when I was told that he loves me just not the same way I love him. I have never in my life been rejected. The fall out from this has been so dramatic, I cried myself to sleep the first few nights, I screamed, I yelled, I threw things, I didn't eat, I lost my mind for a few days. I never in my life had come into contact with someone who seemed to be utterly heartless, he had cheated on me throughout our entire relationship, lied to me, told me he was better and that he loved me. None of which seem to be true. He unfortunatly is an extremely broken person with a lot of issues. He is nearing 40 and still has not delt with issues that have impacted his entire life. I wanted so much to be the person that could make him a better person and see the error in his ways. I know that a part of him has changed for the better because he got a glimpse of try unfaultering love in me. Love like that is like lightining in a bottle, it is very hard to capture and even harder to keep.

I am still trying to get adjusted to my new life, no more holidays together, no more random calls, no more laughs, this list could go on for days, but it won't because this chapter has closed for now. It is time to move on and progress through this change and try to make the best with what the situation is and that is my life. I pray every night that the hurt will lessen everyday and my heart will heal, I pray that if this is supposed to work out that it is in God's hands and he always has the best for us. So as I move forward I try and keep my head up and pray for a better tomorrow!

As I sit here and wonder how I have gotten here it seems that the seasons before are changing and it is only august. The crisp summer air is just the right tail-gating weather a pair of jeans and boots would suit one just fine. I absolutely love when the seasons change because it seems that life emulates the weather outside. And we all change our skin and perhaps our attitudes as well. This weekend I found myself again wondering what could have been.. This has become a HUGE waste of time for myself and has become a determent to all around me.. It seems to almost pedal me backwards into some crazy alternate state of mind and everyone and everything is absolutely horrible. I hate when I act that way because it hurts the ones that are closest to me and why do that.. I had an amazing weekend by the way but I need to figure out how to separate the two worlds. It seems as though I appreciate thins when I go away from them but up close everything is distorted. I wish I could come to my senses all I want to do is enjoy my life and be happy.. Isn’t that what we all want? A comfort in knowing that we are ok. The past is in the past and on the note of the past this evening I happen to be watching a tribute to the creator of 60 minutes Don Hewitt.. He recently died and his tribute was very lovely something it seems he would be proud of. In segment Don was being interviewed by Barbara Walters and he made the comment that went something like this “ I feel as if though I am stuck in the past with Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey, but I have come to find that we almost need to keep one foot there to remember where we are today” It is like the old addage we need to remember where we came from to figure out where we are going. True, but sometimes doesn’t it help to just start over and not let the past define you. Past mistakes, Past relationships, don’t always have to shape you it is how you let them. If you are someone who seems to pick men that cheat guess what just because it happens once, twice and maybe three times doesn’t mean the man you marry will cheat.. The past is there to be a reminder of what we have learned and that the skin we shed came off for a reason. Sometimes it holds us back in our own chaotic world only to cause us more pain and to ultimately teach us nothing. I am not saying that you cannot learn from your past because we all do BUT don’t let it hold you back. Everyone will have their opinion and sometimes those opinions are hard to shake but you have to in order to start over and have a new skin!